Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.