You Might Also Like
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.