I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
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Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
This was my dad’s browser history.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.