Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,