Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
The Punning Dead.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal