9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
You Might Also Like
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
But wait…
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?