Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.