me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
5 ways to appear taller
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The 6 types of sex
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“what that mouth do?” complain
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston