*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax