“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill