Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
the battle rages on
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.