I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
You Might Also Like
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
technically true but not a great slogan
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
hmmm
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?