Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
when you order from DoorDastardly
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*