I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.