We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I wish I could veto my bills.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him