“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
An odd boast