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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.