waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?