SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
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Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month