If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Put a ring on it
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
vegan witches, happy halloween!
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Where’s my employee discount too?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
also my go-to takeaway order
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”