If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally