Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
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Based Erika
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
i baked you a cake
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”