Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
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My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*