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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I wanna be friends with this person
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth