I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
My biological clock is wheezing.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets