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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.