[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]