My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.