The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
i hope my email finds you on fire
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?