Um … Hot Wings please
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Worst Native American name ever.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil