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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related