Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Social distancing in Australia:
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”