WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
#ParentingFacts
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
remember
only for emergencies
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.