My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
B
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character