Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You Might Also Like
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
O Wise One….
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.