(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
You Might Also Like
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off