Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
LOL
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.