You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks