The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back