Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.