I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?