wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
bad news gang
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently