Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…