If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.