What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.