dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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i have never needed anything in my life more than this
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Van Gone
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I hope they boil the right one.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
nature’s most graceful animal
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.