cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now