If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
This is my bus stop.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?