I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.