The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
s
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*